Israeli English

It took me awhile but I think that I finally understand what Israelis are saying to me when they speak English.  You would think that this would be easy considering we're speaking the same language, but in fact everything they say has an entirely different meaning from what you'd expect. See for yourself. I've translated each example into perfect English.

• "The weather is shiny." Translation: It's sunny outside.

• "Feel good." Translation: Feel better.

• "You're eating movies." Translation: I dare say you're living in a dream world. 

•  "You're full." Translation: You're not a size 2 or 4.

• "The soda is cute." (Not the bottle itself, but the taste is cute). Translation: The soda is quite tasty. 

• "From where are you?" Translation (if said from an Israeli guy): I see that you have a non-Israeli accent so I'm going to try to sleep with you. Is it working?

• "You're from New York?" Translation: You're from some place in America that I hope is close to NY because that's the only place I know of in the U.S. that has a lot of Jews. 
• I say, No I'm from Maryland. 
• The Israeli says either "Is that near New York?"  OR: "Is that on the West Coast?"

• "Why you make aliyah?" Translation: What are you crazy? You're from the U.S. why would you come here. I'd give my left arm to get paid as much as they do in the U.S. Are you aware we don't have any good Mexican food or Target?

• "You went on Taglit (Birthright)?" Translation: So do you sleep with guys quickly?
• Me: Did you go on Taglit?  Translation: So have you slept with an American girl?

me vs. me

Just a question: would 16 year-old you like you?

 I'm thinking that she (16 year-old me) would be very confused by me. But then again 16 year old me is very different from today's me. 16-year-old me was much more fascinated with England than Israel and for some reason today's me likes Israel much more and realizes how miserable I would have been if I lived in England. Seriously, who can live in a country without sun? And where it rains all the time? I get upset when I walk into my office's kitchen because it's the one room in the entire office that doesn't have any natural sunlight. But this isn't really 16 year-old me's fault because she for sure wasn't aware that she probably has SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and in case you're wondering this is a self-diagnosis. I mean but for god sakes I live in Israel and still it's not enough sun for me when winter comes along, even though there isn't even a real winter here.

But back to the issue at hand. 16-year-old me was a Jewish feminist, something I no longer am. She was funny as hell (we tend to think of ourselves in a more positive light when we're reflecting), she was smart, and she was extremely motivated to accomplish her dreams. Okay so maybe this isn't all true. The truth is that she was obsessed with doing well in school and had one major goal which was to get into a college she really wanted to go to  and to continue writing. So I guess 16-year-old me wouldn't completely hate me because I did go exactly where I wanted to go for college and I studied creative writing. And I loved it! But then something happened.

 The years between being 22 and 24 flew by. I can't quite recall what happened. Yes, there was that whole move to a new and foreign country. That one kind of distracted me for awhile, but what else did I do? Oh yes, I started supporting myself completely, which to be quite honest isn't as gratifying as it seems. Actually it kind of sucks. I totally wish someone was financially supporting me now so I could do everything I wanted to do because part of me still doesn't know what I want to do. I'm actually quite convinced I had much more direction and practicality and idealism when I was younger. So yes, I'm a bit disillusioned. Hmm 16-year-old me, help me! Where are you? Tell me what to do next. You were so much better at problem solving than today's me is. You were also much better at math- kudos to you for getting an A in Calculus. You're totally awesome 16-year-old me! 

We are all slaves to Google!

Hi, my name is Suzanne and I'm a slave to Google. I came to this conclusion when I was sitting in a meeting at work the other day. Currently I'm working as a content writer and the point of my job is to write content (words) for various internet sites. Of course the content must be informative and engaging (or that is the hope), but the true purpose of my writing is not to entertain, it's to tell Google, "hey look at me, I'm attempting to write informative and engaging content on specific keywords and I think you should choose my pages with my words to be the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd on your search results, so Google, what do you say?"

So really that's my job and I've been doing it all year for different companies. The thing is that this is not a solitary art, oh no, this is something that's being done in an unlimited number of companies. I actually tried to guess how many companies there are like these "hi-tech companies", "internet companies", but I honestly had no idea. Is it hundreds, thousands, dare I say millions (perhaps it's extreme, but who knows). Everyone at my company and (anyone at any company that does anything in the online world) is essentially a slave to Google because each person is either doing something with SEO (search engine optimization), PPC ( a paid version of search engine marketing), or as they want their product or service to be bought and used and the only way they do that is for people (many people) to have access to their product- by looking at Google. It made me realize that if there was no Google, I wouldn't have a job and so many people wouldn't have jobs. But it's almost strange to me that this is a job. I mean within the realm of my work, I actually produce informative and (what I consider to be) interesting articles. But on the other hand, the goal of this work is not really to inform the reader, though I hope that people actually read my articles and learn something if they're interested. In actuality the goals are to make money by linking readers to other sites, and how do we do this you may ask? Well the answer should be obvious- by ranking high on Google's search results!

So if Google doesn't like me, I'm out of a job. I want you to think about that Google! Think about how I'm going to pay rent Google, maybe you should give me a break and tell the world that my content is king or tell me the secret to being at the top of your list. Are you open to bribes? Maybe $10? Can't spare too much you know, after all I need to be able to pay my internet bill so I can still use you Google in my free time. Oh how I love you Google! And it's not just because you know everything I'm doing on the computer all the time (actually that kind of bothers me).

If I could meet anyone it would be...Jane Austen

There are just some people I would love to meet. If I could meet Jane Austen, I would be happy. And I'm not talking about a cute meet and greet, like a book signing. I want a real-life personal encounter. Maybe a nice dinner or lunch, or even better... a coffee date. Meals sometimes get in the way of good conversations. Or even better, let's substitute coffee with wine. That way her repressed 19th century victorian-self could  open up a bit.

First, of course I would tell her how much I love her work, especially Pride and Prejudice, even though it's a bit cliche, it's just the best of all her books. Next I'd ask her, what her deal was with marriage. Every heroine in her book ends up happy at the end because she gets married to the "love of her life". But the ending is always the wedding or beginning of a new marriage. And that's supposed to be the happy ending. The problem is that there are plenty of married people in Jane Austen's books, and most of them are unhappy couples. I understand that Jane (I'm assuming we'll be on a first name basis once we have a meeting together) meant that you need to find the one you love, who loves you, and these feelings must be sincere in order for you to truly be happy together. But it can't just end there because marriage is hard. Being in any relationship is difficult. And the betrothed never dated, never really talked about their true interests, likes and dislikes.

But then again, there wasn't much for them to do in the early 1800s, and when I mean there wasn't that much to do I mean that there were no airplanes, so long-distance travel was only by boat and rather difficult, there was no TV or movies, but there were plays and operas, so I guess that would satisfy my cultural needs. But most importantly, there wasn't that much for a woman to do except keep the home (or if you were rich enough someone would have done that for you as well as educating your children).

Anyway I'm getting side-tracked. What I would really want to ask her is whether she believed the women were really happy after they got married. And if she assumed that was the answer for true happiness. Also, if she wished that had happened to her because she never married.

I'd also like to give her a pair of pants. I think she'd really enjoy wearing pants and comfortable shoes, considering the clothing she was forced to wear all the time. Sure it's gorgeous, but how uncomfortable are those dresses, really?

And hopefully she'll say a few of her great witty one-liners. That would be fantastic.

If I could do anything...(without worrying about money)

The other day I was reading about the highest jackpot winners in the world and I asked the people around me at work, what would you do if you won $5,000,000. It's important that's it's $5 million and not some ridiculous amount like $20 million. Imagine you're left with 5 million after taxes, what would you do? Would you crazy, buying everything you ever wanted in your life: a fancy car, a big house? Would you travel around the world in style? Would you donate any of your money to charity?

I know I would travel a lot more and not such expensive travel, a simple clean and decent hotel is all I'd need in each new place. And I would save the money, because you can live for 50 years with $100,000/yr. I'm sure I'd make some more money at some point, but I don't think my needs will be so high unless I was supporting a family completely on my own. I would also volunteer a lot more and learn how to cook really well. But as a job, I would just write. I don't care if anything comes of it, but I know I would want to write short stories, plays, blogs, a novel, articles because that's what I'm passionate about and yet I hardly do it.

It's a fear that builds up inside me that stops me from sitting down at the computer and just writing. But I love it and part of me is so afraid because I feel like I've lost it, the ability to properly express myself in words. And I'm so afraid that this is true, that I continue to ignore the blank page or go beyond writing one page at a time. So maybe the $5 million is just an excuse. If I had that money, I would write. But I can write anyway, a little bit each day, just so I will satisfy this desire. And I think I will.