Mixed messages

I must implore you, Israel, please stop sending me mixed messages! I don't understand. I woke up this morning in Bat Yam (fyi for any Americans out there- Bat Yam translates to Mermaid- yeah I know, it's funny)  and walked across the street to take the convenient but annoyingly long 42 bus to work and I find out that overnight the bus is no longer stopping there. But that's not all, it seems that all the bus routes have been changed. Now you say that this is for the better, but I don't know how having to take a different bus and then walking an additional 15 minutes is a better way for me to get to work. Unless you think I'm fat and I'm warning you, Israel Bus Companies, I'm in no mood for your jokes. I also don't know how it's better for me that you're raising the cost of a bus ride for the second time again this year to 6.40 NIS. Now I was okay with the fact that it rose from 5.80 to 6 NIS in January because let's be honest, agarot are annoying to deal with and searching for 8 of them just for a bus ride is even more annoying. So I kind of thought this is okay, I can deal with it. But now you want me to search for 4 more agarot, what do you think, that I'm made of your pennies? And I hear your silly somewhat logical explanations, "but Suzanne, this new price includes as many buses as you want for 90 minutes." But you know what, Israel bus companies, you could've made that switch without raising the price again. And to be honest, I really don't need to take more than one bus in a  period of 90 minutes.

Now the other thing that I don't understand is that I hear you're also getting rid of those few buses that start an hour or two before shabbat ends. I just don't understand why.  Let's just look at the facts for a second, the people that actually support this "new schedule"  makeup at best 10% of the population? You can read more about them in this article http://blogs.reuters.com/faithworld/2011/04/14/jobless-ultra-orthodox-jews-weigh-on-israels-economy/ (this was the first think I found when I searched for "the annoying people that are trying to destroy my bus lines"...jk) Thanks for catering to the majority! With this and the continuously rising prices, it's as if you're telling me to stop riding public transportation and to buy a car.  But this is where I get really confused, because wasn't it just last month you were telling me that you want me to ride a bike all around tel aviv. Sorry if I misinterpreted this, but after you installed all those bike rental stations all over the city, I thought you were saying- there's no parking in this tiny city. Please don't drive- take this bike to work instead. But now I see this trick for what it really was, you were just mocking me for not knowing how to ride a bike. And to think I was ready to teach myself to ride a bike in 25 minute intervals (since the first 30 minutes are free).  Fine, you've won. You've left me with no choice after all,  I'll get my Israeli license and buy a car- but I'm holding you responsible. You'll be sorry once you see my driving. I bet you'll be crawling back to me on your knees, telling me you'll drop prices and reinstate buses to their proper times and proper stations, and even start letting public transportation run on shabbat. But by then it'll be too late. 

Knock knock, it's your potential...

From the time that we're born we're told that we have so much potential and our family, friends, and educators repeatedly remind of us of this potential throughout our lives. "You have the potential to be a great..." or "I just don't want to see you waste your potential". The latter example usually comes into play for those who decide to act "somewhat rebellious" during their youth. I don't actually recall anyone saying that one to me but I definitely recall hearing the first one, "Suzanne, you have the potential to be something really amazing (or to do something really amazing)."

I'm a little bit up in arms with this idea of potential. What does it mean anyway? And who determines when someone has finally reached their potential or surpassed it? It all just seems a little too mythical to me, as if a fairy whispered some secret about my potential to my parents right after I was born and they told it to all the teachers and other family members around me. And all the time afterwards when these people referred to my potential they had some secret idea of the meaning behind it. 

I wish that at some point in my youth I had asked them, "and what exactly is this potential?" Because they wouldn't have a decent reply. They might say something vague like "to be the best you that you can be." But how silly does that sound. And I could have replied, "And what is the best me? Also, what are the steps that I need to take in order to become the best me."  Of course I was told that I would get closer to reaching this potential by doing well in school and going to a good college. After this you might be told about getting a good job and raising a family, but is that really all your potential adds up to? If you ask for more information, all you hear in response is dead air because the people that are telling you about your potential really don't know what it means either. They can't look in the future and tell you what will make you a great person, just as you can't. 

Knock Knock

"Who's there?" I ask.

"It's your potential." 

"ooo how can I reach you?" I ask.

"I'm right behind the door." Potential says.

"But the door's locked and I don't have a key. How can I open the door?" I ask.

"Beats me." Potential says.

"Can I call a locksmith?" I ask. 

"Nope. I'm told you're supposed to figure this out on your own. Good luck, honey." Potential laughs.

The Power of Genetics

Disclaimer: Due to various complaints regarding the subject and nature of this post, I felt the need to add a note. This post was meant to be humorous. No one was hurt (emotionally or physically) in the process of writing this post, or at any later point in time. Don't worry about the mental state of the person who wrote this post, even after realizing that certain genetic inferiorities are in fact valid, the truth is that this person has many more superior characteristics that foster a high level of self-esteem, probably higher than your own. Enjoy!

Today I realized just how genetically inferior I really am. It all started when a friend stopped by my room and curled her tongue. Next thing you know another person curled their tongue and then another person, until there was just me, except I can't curl my tongue because it's a genetic trait, which apparently my father (who can curl his tongue) didn't feel like passing down to me. He also didn't feel like passing down a lot of things. I have a whole list of them, entitled "things my father didn't pass down to me genetically (just to spite me)".


 1) His aptitude for standardized tests (his SAT score was at least 200 points higher than mine- mine was still good-fyi) and languages (he studied Latin, German, and Hebrew. I studied Spanish for 6 years and the only thing I remember is Como estas? And don't get me started on my Hebrew.


2) The ability to calculate equations in his head- to this day there's still a little pencil in my head that writes down all the equations- and you know what, it's subject to error and extremely inconvenient.


3) His memory- he used to be "somewhat" photogenic and I used to have a "somewhat" normal memory


4) His hatred for sweets- this would have come handy especially during my overweight awkward years (9-14, 18-19).


5) His ability to snap his fingers. Yes, that's right, some people have a lot of trouble doing this.

6) His scrabble skills. I don't like to talk about this one very much because it makes me sad :(


Now this isn't completely fair because my father did give me a lot of his traits, like his ridiculously curly hair - which I kinda like ;), his weirdness (although thankfully not his morbid sense of humour), his tone deafness, his complete lack of artistic talent and his myopia. My mom contributed her hyperopia and lazy eye- like the myopia wasn't enough, and I'm not sure if this last one is actually accurate to say, but I kind of blame her for making me lactose intolerant, since she told me that all she craved during her pregnancy was dairy. So thanks mom for using up all my lactase while I was still in the womb!

But seriously with all of these genetic flaws it's pretty amazing I can function as a "somewhat" normal human being. Maybe if god had planned this person better I wouldn't be questioning his existence all the time. I bet he didn't think about that, but he should have since he's supposedly omniscient.

I'm a Toys R Us Kid

I find myself singing part of the toys r us theme song at least once a week, "I don't wanna grow up I'm a toys r us kid", but instead I change it to "I don't want to get up I'm a toys r us kid" or "I don't wanna go to work, I'm a..." because I'm usually singing it on Sunday morning and I think how I don't want to go to work. The thing is I actually like my job because as for jobs it's quite decent. The people are nice, the work is interesting, and they give me lunch money which kind of makes me feel like a toys r us kid, but who am I to complain since I don't want to grow up and I want to stay a kid, at least as much as a 24 year old can stay a kid.

I've given it a lot of thought recently and I've decided that I'd like to stay 24 years old until I feel that I've accomplished everything I want to at this point in my life. I don't think it'll be too difficult, I just need to become successful doing something I love, complete a novel, a book of short stories, read 500 more books this year, lose 10 kilo just for my own pure vanity, travel around the world, get a dog, and I'm sure there's so much more- (I'll think about it and add it to my Chanukah wish list). All of these things that I would really like to do are things I want to do while I'm still young and the amazing thing about staying a kid is that you can continue to push off these things until the end of time, which is what I've done most of my life.

But the problem is that as I get older I'm supposed to do all this other stuff,  "grown-up stuff", stuff I'm just not ready to do- like get married, start a family, own a home and keep it clean, and work because my family (the one that I'm not ready for) needs the money. I know it's bad but all I can think of in response to this is, "eww". And yet for some reason, so many people I know are getting engaged or married and I just don't understand it. I'm happy for them because that's what they want, but the concept seems so foreign to me. Maybe it's the fact that I just see today's adults as  (physically) big-little kids acting as grown ups- boys putting on their fathers' suits, girls putting on clown makeup and dressing in their mothers' high heels (and not knowing how to walk in them). Am I delusional? Or is it just that as I'm getting older, I realize how we're all just kids acting as adults because that's what we've been taught to do. But then again I was carded at the supermarket last week because the cashier thought I was under 18- so maybe it's just me.

FYI- there are Toys R Us stores in Israel and they're super lame!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJJ-ZLdrTwY

Why don't you just stick your foot in your mouth?

I tend to put my foot in my mouth all the time, it happened more often always in the U.S. because people are usually more careful about what they say due to the obsession with being politically correct and the worry that you accidentally offend someone. However in Israel, most people are rather blunt and while they would offend people outside of Israel, most Israelis pay no attention to it. But what happens when you're an Israeli who's trying to say "the right thing"? Usually, you end up putting your foot in your mouth. 

Case in point, last Wednesday when I was at a tapas bar with two friends, let's call them friend A and friend B, and our waiter was trying to console friend A after she said it's difficult finding an Israeli guy. Now this is something I  disagree with because in my opinion, Israeli guys make their intentions quite obvious to girls. So obvious that if I had some of my top adjectives to describe Israeli guys are flirty, easy, and slutty.

So the waiter tells friend A, "You're a beauty, that's why it's difficult for you." Now of course the waiter might say this just to get a nice tip, but the truth is friend A is very attractive. So the waiter goes on again about how Israeli guys are intimidated by such beautiful girls. I was expecting the waiter to say that "beautiful girls, like you all (since there were three of us sitting there)," but he didn't. He said how guys will approach other girls, less attractive girls. So according to this logic, I have a boyfriend because I'm easily approachable and I'm easily approachable because I'm unattractive. "So wait, we're ugly?" I ask the waiter. 

He says, "Oh no, of course not." He can tell that he said something wrong, so he tries to make up for it.  "It's just that you're both friendly looking, you know, you smile. She doesn't smile." So now the waiter has gone from calling friend B and me unattractive to then calling  friend A unhappy and unfriendly. At this point, it's in his best interest  to stop talking, but he's Israeli so he just continues. 

Real issues in Israel

I'm sick of people ranting about silly things that will never be resolved like the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. I prefer ranting about problems that can actually be resolved, as well as issues that directly affect my life and the people around me, like awful customer service, horrible drivers, people pushing their shopping carts into my ass at the supermarket as if they couldn't see it (come on, really it's not small), and especially one of the most important issues here is that the bars suck.

Why Israeli Bars suck?

1) Cocktails are ridiculously expensive. Cocktails usually range from 40-55 NIS ($11-$15), which is absurd since the average salary in Israel is only 7190 NIS/month before taxes.  That means the average Israeli will be out of money for the month after ordering about 120 drinks (this includes tips). One hundred twenty drinks a month is not enough to drink away your sorrows and I'm sure those that are only earning 7190 NIS/month and paying rent in Tel Aviv have a lot of sorrows.

2) The bartenders don't know how to make drinks.  Even simple drinks like a rum and coke or gin and tonic. The ingredients are pretty straight forward but for some reason the drinks are either extremely watered-down or the bartender will take the order too literally and give me a bottle of coke and a shot of rum or a bottle of tonic water and a shot of gin. I'm pretty sure they take some kind of bartending course which teaches them how to pour two drinks together, but who knows maybe I'm wrong?

3) The bartenders really don't know how to make drinks. Recently, my company set up a cute little bartending course for the employees. The bar was really nice but the bartenders were absolutely useless. I remember they were teaching us how to make a mojito. The ingredients according to the bartender were: rum, nana, sprite, sugar, and a lot of lemon. Since the mojito is one of my all-time favorite drinks, I knew that this bartender was full of it. So I stopped him and I said, "don't you mean lime?" To which he replied, "This is how we make it in Israel." I'd accept this statement as long as he didn't misinform people to begin with. If he started out by saying, "Hey so in Israel we don't use lime because we don't really have it here, so we replace all drinks that have lime (which are a lot) with lemon" then it would be cool, but the fact that he's telling people that this is "the proper way" to make this drink is just infuriating. And I don't even want to get started on the sprite!

For all those interested, the real ingredients are: light rum, mint, soda water, sugar, and lime.

4) They know nothing about wine. I really know almost nothing about wine, but for some reason in Israel I look like an expert. So let's travel back to my last story of the company event. When we first got to the bar, which I should mention is actually at the bottom of a wine shop, I asked for a glass of wine. And I asked the bartender if he had any from Binyamina, specifically Yogev because I've bought bottles of Yogev  in the past from the shop upstairs. And he said, "well actually we don't have the wine that we have upstairs down here."  Then I asked, "well what do you have?" And I get the response I always get at a bar, "we have red and we have white." And I'm thinking, "No shit Sherlock." So I ask, "do you have any Shiraz?" To which he replies, "Yeah...Israelis don't really drink wine so much." Yeah, I don't really know what to say about that since this bar is actually part of a wine shop. I guess Israelis don't walk into the shop to buy wine. Shocking that the shop has been there for awhile now even though it must have absolutely no customers at all considering that "Israelis don't drink wine". So my reply was, "Wow, you're really not a good bartender, are you?"

My plan for making bars really awesome- Just a few suggestions

1) Raise our salaries please ;) And lower the cost of alcohol. Why is a glass of wine more expensive than a bottle in a supermarket?

2) Have a bartending course in which Israelis learn how to make and mix drinks.

3) Teach bartenders the basics about wine, (like, Chardonnay and Riesling are white wines and Shiraz, Cabernet and Merlot are red wines.)

4) Also try serving the drinks that are on the menu. If the menu says Bellini with Prosecco, why do you say you only have Cava? Seriously, can we all just admit the truth that Cava is Prosecco's really uncool (and overrated) little sister from Spain?

5) Teach bartenders to be nice to the customer so the customer will want to give a tip. I mean, Hello, I'm American, we're using to giving at least 20% tips, usually more to bartenders. 

Israeli English

It took me awhile but I think that I finally understand what Israelis are saying to me when they speak English.  You would think that this would be easy considering we're speaking the same language, but in fact everything they say has an entirely different meaning from what you'd expect. See for yourself. I've translated each example into perfect English.

• "The weather is shiny." Translation: It's sunny outside.

• "Feel good." Translation: Feel better.

• "You're eating movies." Translation: I dare say you're living in a dream world. 

•  "You're full." Translation: You're not a size 2 or 4.

• "The soda is cute." (Not the bottle itself, but the taste is cute). Translation: The soda is quite tasty. 

• "From where are you?" Translation (if said from an Israeli guy): I see that you have a non-Israeli accent so I'm going to try to sleep with you. Is it working?

• "You're from New York?" Translation: You're from some place in America that I hope is close to NY because that's the only place I know of in the U.S. that has a lot of Jews. 
• I say, No I'm from Maryland. 
• The Israeli says either "Is that near New York?"  OR: "Is that on the West Coast?"

• "Why you make aliyah?" Translation: What are you crazy? You're from the U.S. why would you come here. I'd give my left arm to get paid as much as they do in the U.S. Are you aware we don't have any good Mexican food or Target?

• "You went on Taglit (Birthright)?" Translation: So do you sleep with guys quickly?
• Me: Did you go on Taglit?  Translation: So have you slept with an American girl?

me vs. me

Just a question: would 16 year-old you like you?

 I'm thinking that she (16 year-old me) would be very confused by me. But then again 16 year old me is very different from today's me. 16-year-old me was much more fascinated with England than Israel and for some reason today's me likes Israel much more and realizes how miserable I would have been if I lived in England. Seriously, who can live in a country without sun? And where it rains all the time? I get upset when I walk into my office's kitchen because it's the one room in the entire office that doesn't have any natural sunlight. But this isn't really 16 year-old me's fault because she for sure wasn't aware that she probably has SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and in case you're wondering this is a self-diagnosis. I mean but for god sakes I live in Israel and still it's not enough sun for me when winter comes along, even though there isn't even a real winter here.

But back to the issue at hand. 16-year-old me was a Jewish feminist, something I no longer am. She was funny as hell (we tend to think of ourselves in a more positive light when we're reflecting), she was smart, and she was extremely motivated to accomplish her dreams. Okay so maybe this isn't all true. The truth is that she was obsessed with doing well in school and had one major goal which was to get into a college she really wanted to go to  and to continue writing. So I guess 16-year-old me wouldn't completely hate me because I did go exactly where I wanted to go for college and I studied creative writing. And I loved it! But then something happened.

 The years between being 22 and 24 flew by. I can't quite recall what happened. Yes, there was that whole move to a new and foreign country. That one kind of distracted me for awhile, but what else did I do? Oh yes, I started supporting myself completely, which to be quite honest isn't as gratifying as it seems. Actually it kind of sucks. I totally wish someone was financially supporting me now so I could do everything I wanted to do because part of me still doesn't know what I want to do. I'm actually quite convinced I had much more direction and practicality and idealism when I was younger. So yes, I'm a bit disillusioned. Hmm 16-year-old me, help me! Where are you? Tell me what to do next. You were so much better at problem solving than today's me is. You were also much better at math- kudos to you for getting an A in Calculus. You're totally awesome 16-year-old me! 

We are all slaves to Google!

Hi, my name is Suzanne and I'm a slave to Google. I came to this conclusion when I was sitting in a meeting at work the other day. Currently I'm working as a content writer and the point of my job is to write content (words) for various internet sites. Of course the content must be informative and engaging (or that is the hope), but the true purpose of my writing is not to entertain, it's to tell Google, "hey look at me, I'm attempting to write informative and engaging content on specific keywords and I think you should choose my pages with my words to be the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd on your search results, so Google, what do you say?"

So really that's my job and I've been doing it all year for different companies. The thing is that this is not a solitary art, oh no, this is something that's being done in an unlimited number of companies. I actually tried to guess how many companies there are like these "hi-tech companies", "internet companies", but I honestly had no idea. Is it hundreds, thousands, dare I say millions (perhaps it's extreme, but who knows). Everyone at my company and (anyone at any company that does anything in the online world) is essentially a slave to Google because each person is either doing something with SEO (search engine optimization), PPC ( a paid version of search engine marketing), or as they want their product or service to be bought and used and the only way they do that is for people (many people) to have access to their product- by looking at Google. It made me realize that if there was no Google, I wouldn't have a job and so many people wouldn't have jobs. But it's almost strange to me that this is a job. I mean within the realm of my work, I actually produce informative and (what I consider to be) interesting articles. But on the other hand, the goal of this work is not really to inform the reader, though I hope that people actually read my articles and learn something if they're interested. In actuality the goals are to make money by linking readers to other sites, and how do we do this you may ask? Well the answer should be obvious- by ranking high on Google's search results!

So if Google doesn't like me, I'm out of a job. I want you to think about that Google! Think about how I'm going to pay rent Google, maybe you should give me a break and tell the world that my content is king or tell me the secret to being at the top of your list. Are you open to bribes? Maybe $10? Can't spare too much you know, after all I need to be able to pay my internet bill so I can still use you Google in my free time. Oh how I love you Google! And it's not just because you know everything I'm doing on the computer all the time (actually that kind of bothers me).

If I could meet anyone it would be...Jane Austen

There are just some people I would love to meet. If I could meet Jane Austen, I would be happy. And I'm not talking about a cute meet and greet, like a book signing. I want a real-life personal encounter. Maybe a nice dinner or lunch, or even better... a coffee date. Meals sometimes get in the way of good conversations. Or even better, let's substitute coffee with wine. That way her repressed 19th century victorian-self could  open up a bit.

First, of course I would tell her how much I love her work, especially Pride and Prejudice, even though it's a bit cliche, it's just the best of all her books. Next I'd ask her, what her deal was with marriage. Every heroine in her book ends up happy at the end because she gets married to the "love of her life". But the ending is always the wedding or beginning of a new marriage. And that's supposed to be the happy ending. The problem is that there are plenty of married people in Jane Austen's books, and most of them are unhappy couples. I understand that Jane (I'm assuming we'll be on a first name basis once we have a meeting together) meant that you need to find the one you love, who loves you, and these feelings must be sincere in order for you to truly be happy together. But it can't just end there because marriage is hard. Being in any relationship is difficult. And the betrothed never dated, never really talked about their true interests, likes and dislikes.

But then again, there wasn't much for them to do in the early 1800s, and when I mean there wasn't that much to do I mean that there were no airplanes, so long-distance travel was only by boat and rather difficult, there was no TV or movies, but there were plays and operas, so I guess that would satisfy my cultural needs. But most importantly, there wasn't that much for a woman to do except keep the home (or if you were rich enough someone would have done that for you as well as educating your children).

Anyway I'm getting side-tracked. What I would really want to ask her is whether she believed the women were really happy after they got married. And if she assumed that was the answer for true happiness. Also, if she wished that had happened to her because she never married.

I'd also like to give her a pair of pants. I think she'd really enjoy wearing pants and comfortable shoes, considering the clothing she was forced to wear all the time. Sure it's gorgeous, but how uncomfortable are those dresses, really?

And hopefully she'll say a few of her great witty one-liners. That would be fantastic.

If I could do anything...(without worrying about money)

The other day I was reading about the highest jackpot winners in the world and I asked the people around me at work, what would you do if you won $5,000,000. It's important that's it's $5 million and not some ridiculous amount like $20 million. Imagine you're left with 5 million after taxes, what would you do? Would you crazy, buying everything you ever wanted in your life: a fancy car, a big house? Would you travel around the world in style? Would you donate any of your money to charity?

I know I would travel a lot more and not such expensive travel, a simple clean and decent hotel is all I'd need in each new place. And I would save the money, because you can live for 50 years with $100,000/yr. I'm sure I'd make some more money at some point, but I don't think my needs will be so high unless I was supporting a family completely on my own. I would also volunteer a lot more and learn how to cook really well. But as a job, I would just write. I don't care if anything comes of it, but I know I would want to write short stories, plays, blogs, a novel, articles because that's what I'm passionate about and yet I hardly do it.

It's a fear that builds up inside me that stops me from sitting down at the computer and just writing. But I love it and part of me is so afraid because I feel like I've lost it, the ability to properly express myself in words. And I'm so afraid that this is true, that I continue to ignore the blank page or go beyond writing one page at a time. So maybe the $5 million is just an excuse. If I had that money, I would write. But I can write anyway, a little bit each day, just so I will satisfy this desire. And I think I will.